I NEED a bigger bed...

Please note both Brian and Molly are missing from this picture....

Never Say Never (Part 5)

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time you already know the rest of the story...

My worse fear ~~~became my reality!!!

However, I'm happy to say (contrary to my prior expectations) WE SURVIVED 2 WHOLE WEEKS of Public School.

I have no idea how long this season will last or what the ultimate *plan* is.

It could be as simple as learning to step out of my comfort zone or just getting right with my God. There was A LOT of junk inside me that the Lord exposed this summer. Stuff I didn't even know was there ~ pride, self-righteousness, stubbornness, little faith, anger...just yucky yucky stuff that He needed to clean up.

It could be just that but it could also be something bigger ~ something as grand as a revival within our school.

I honestly don't know.

Whichever it is. Regardless of how small and no matter how large I know that I can not slack off in my walk with God at all!!! And I realize there may be "battles" ~especially spiritual battles.

This is NOT anything I would seek in the flesh. I am scared, unequipped and I feel completely vulnerable.

And I know there is NOTHING in me that can pull this off. NOTHING! I need God to show up and I know that HE WILL...

Never Say Never (Part 4)

I began to accept the whole Public School idea on the outside but on the inside I still secretly hoped both Brian and the Lord would see things My Way.

Instead, the Lord brought families to me who were in the Public School System. Families who thrived in their walk with the Lord, families who testified that some of their proudest moments of their children were in the Public School System because they saw their kids openly share Christ with others.

He also brought my sister from PA whose daughter would be going to the same school. And He moved a friend from Palm Beach Gardens to PSL and 2 of her children would be attending the same school.

He also opened doors and got us into the exact school with the exact teachers and principal He revealed to Brian weeks prior.

I could not deny the work of the Lord.

He continued to draw me close to Him and hold me tight as my childlike kicking and screaming melted into a weak, humbled and surrendered child of God. In His embrace I felt my heart began to slowly soften...

And I began to fully accepted His will. I no longer fought Him or my husband.

That same week He put Brian and I on a plane to Peru with 23 other individuals from our church.

It was supposed to be a mission trip for the Peruvians. But it turned out to be a mission trip for my Spirit.

It was in Peru that the Lord revealed so much more to Brian and I. He revealed my sin, my complacency, my staleness. He revealed my potential. He revealed His great love for me. He revealed His love for ALL people. Far and near.

He reminded me that there are mission fields everywhere. There are people all around us (even PSL) that do not know Jesus. People that don't know that the Lord is alive and active still today. People that don't know He IS coming back. And He will claim those that are His.

He reminded me that HE has been far removed from the Public School by our Government. And that the mention of His Name has become Taboo.

He revealed to me that His only way into that "mission field" was through Christians who were called and willing to go.

He asked me if I would pop my protective bubble, step out in faith and boldly seek first Kingdom of God and His righteousness....

He asked me if I would follow Him. If I would trust Him...If I would be obedient....

(the rest tomorrow)

Never Say Never (Part 3)

With my safety net of Liberty gone I felt uncomfortably vulnerable.

I remained on my knees waiting for the Lord to reveal Himself and His will to me.

I continued to seek council from my 3 trusted and cherished friends.

I researched Home Schooling options and ignored the remote possibility of Public School. Because I was NEVER EVER going to send my children there and surely God would see He had already asked enough out of me and therefor He would not even consider that option.

I started to embrace the idea of Home Schooling. Although, I didn't feel called to Home School I believed it was the *only* option I had so I planned to make the most out of it.

Because Sadie receives Speech Therapy for her cleft palate through the Public School System I knew that if I chose to Home School I would need to enroll her in a private Home Schooling Umbrella.

This Umbrella would keep me accountable and would allow Sadie to receive her therapies.

But when I went to Brian about my Home Schooling *plan* he still wasn't on board. He agreed to continue praying about it and even agreed to meet with the private umbrella but he truly felt as though the Lord was opening doors to Public School.

What? Come again? Are you kidding me?

I ignored him and his ridiculous statement and I called the private school umbrella.

There was no answer so I left a message. No call back. I of course called again. And again no return call.

I figured it was summer and the hours and staff were limited but since there was only one "Umbrella" that I knew of and I wasn't having any luck reaching them I grew impatient.

And I called one of those 3 trusted friends. She made some calls for me. And low and behold I had a returned call that day. Unfortunately I missed that call and the gal and I played phone tag for 2 days.

The lady then gave my name and # to another lady in hopes she and I would be able to connect ~ which we did.

She was so patient and kind and listened as I poured my heart out to her. I shared with her my fears of Home School, my fears of Public School. My frustration of having NO PLAN. She listened to me, she encouraged me, and she counciled me. And then she told me I needed to submit to my husband...

What? Come again? Are you kidding me?

Once again I became frustrated and angry.

So I called my 3rd trusted friend. And she said "what are your options"

And I said: "1. Liberty, 2. Home School, 3. Public School"

She said, "actually Jen, you only have one option. The Lord already told you to withdraw the kids from Liberty so that it not an option. Your husband is not on board with Home School so that too is not an option. The way I see it you only have 1 option and its Public School. You need to submit to your husband. BUT...don't think of this as the plan for the rest of their lives. Think of it as a season. Just take it one day at a time. And be prepared to change the course when/if the Lord calls you to do so.

When we hung up ~ I just wept.

Those were the EXACT words Brian had used when he told me he believed we were being led to Public School. He said to me "I'm not saying this is the plan for the rest of their lives. I'm saying its a season. We just need to take it one day at a time and we change the course as soon as the Lord calls us to do so".

I felt defeated and confused.

But I also trusted that Brian hadn't come to this conclusion without the wisdom and discernment of the Holy Spirit.

He had been putting as much time, research and prayer into this as I had. Maybe more because at least his heart was receptive to hearing from the Lord.

He met with as many school board officials as he had contact with. He went to lunches, made phone calls, visited schools, etc. He sought prayer and council. He fasted and prayed.

He did all the things I did. Except reject God and His plan. Instead he listened, he waited and he trusted.

He also NEVER argued with me, NEVER forced me to submit and NEVER made me feel bad or guilty for my struggle.

He just prayed me through....

(more tomorrow)

Never Say Never (Part 2)

I spent the entire month of June on my knees.

Not seeking the heart of God or His will for our family ~ but rather begging Him to submit to *my* plan.

My perfect plan. The one I have proven doesn't just work but works well!!

And He repeatedly said "NO".

He said 'trust me".

I cried more. I got more angry. I demanded a *plan*.

I told Him I would not move until I heard Him speak.

He told me He would NOT speak until I moved.

So I had a standoff with God.

And I was prepared to be disobedient and suffer the consequences. Until ~ one of those 3 trusted friends I spoke about previously ~ reminded me that it probably wouldn't be me who suffered the consequence, but my children. She reminded me that I did not know what God had intended for my children or the blessings they would be missing out on if I continued this standoff.

OUCH!!!

So I spent some thinking about my "options" and I knew I only had two. Home School or Public School. Since neither were ever part of *my plan* I figured I may as well do some research on both and get a *plan* together...

Throughout all my research and "planning" neither option seemed right. I didn't have a peace about embracing either.

When I thought about Home Schooling I got overwhelmed and exhausted. Stressed and scared. When I would talk to Brian he would say he didn't see us being a Home Schooling family. He agreed to pray about it with me but he was not feeling led in that direction.

When I thought about Public School the hair on the back of my neck would raise. I would have shortness of breath and chest pains (literally!) The thought of Public School scared the daylights out of me. I remember telling God that if Public School was His will that He was basically asking me to send my babies to the wolves to be devoured.

As promised He remained silent.

Until June 23, 2009 when I woke up with a conviction I could mot shake...

The Lord said "do you trust me".

I said "yes"

He said "then call today".

I knew that meant He was asking me to call Liberty and withdraw my kids. I had been hoping to drag it out until July 1st when my tuition was actually due.

But He was asking me to make that call a week early.

I knew I would not get any additional direction or "plan" until I fulfilled this command.

So I called. I cried through the call and admitted I didn't understand God or why He was asking me to do this but that I had to be obedient....

(more tomorrow)

Never Say Never (Part 1)

How many times have you heard the quote Never Say Never??

This summer that quote became our families life quote.

I am a planner. Everything is calculated, planned and scheduled.

One thing I don't do well is CHANGE the plan.

And my life's plan was to:

1. build a house we would live in until our children were grown with children of their own
2. attend a church close to home that we LOVED
3. send our kids to a Private k-12 school

I had succeeded in implementing my plan and I had no intentions to change or alter that plan EVER.

It worked. It was comfortable. It was safe.

And *my* plan ran like a well oiled ship.

My world revolved within a 7 mile radius and it was RARE that I went out of that radius. I *LIKED* my plan!!

The Lord however, had other plans.

He slowly began reveling His plan to me at the end of May. It was subtle at first though so I quickly dismissed it.

In early June He became louder and a little more persistent.

I was sure that I was hearing the Lord wrong or misinterpreting the message so I began to fast and pray and seek council from 3 trusted and deeply admired friends.

The more I fasted and prayed, the more God spoke, and the more He spoke the more angry and frustrated I became.

He wanted to CHANGE *my* plan.

He was asking me to withdraw my kids from the small (everybody knows everybody) private school that I had intended them to be in until they graduated. A school where the Gospel is taught in every subject. A school where Chapel and Bible are part of the curriculum. A school where they prayed openly. A school where Christ was the center and the focus. A school where I *thought* He would want me to send my kids.

And the worse part He was asking me to do this without explanation, without reason, without justification.

All He would say was "trust me".

I cried, I pleaded, I ran from God. I wanted to be disobedient. I was angry.

I wanted answers, I wanted to know why and I wanted a plan...

(more tomorrow)

A Great Loss for sure

With no disrespect intended to the Jackson family, this sure does reveal the shallowness of our value system in this country.

While the focus today, tomorrow and for the next God-knows-how-many-days will be the death of a pop culture icon; while many will mourn, wail and quite literally make fools of themselves over it and while as many will speak endlessly about it, allow me, if only for a moment, to remind us all that others have died this month; others whose lives were cut short; others who leave behind loved ones and whose families will dearly miss them; families who'll suffer with much more dignity and honor than we'll be exposed to on the tube in the coming days.

Yes... it's true... we've suffered a great loss... but forgive me while I tell you that I'm not talking about the king of pop music.

These American military members died in Iraq this month:

Sergeant Justin J. Duffy
Specialist Christopher M. Kurth
Specialist Charles D. Parrish
Lance Corporal Robert D. Ulmer
Staff Sergeant Edmond L. Lo
Sergeant Joshua W. Soto
Captain Kafele H. Sims
Specialist Chancellor A. Keesling

And these members of our U.S. Armed Forces died in Afghanistan this month:

Sergeant Jones, Ricky D.
Specialist Munguia Rivas, Rodrigo A.
Command Master Chief Petty Officer Garber, Jeffrey J.
1st Sergeant Blair, John D.
Sergeant Smith, Paul G.
Staff Sergeant Melton, Joshua
Sergeant 1st Class Dupont, Kevin A.
Specialist O'Neill, Jonathan C.
Chief Warrant Officer Richardson Jr., Ricky L.
Specialist Silva, Eduardo S.
Lance Corporal Whittle, Joshua R.
Major Barnes, Rocco M.
Major Jenrette, Kevin M.
Staff Sergeant Beale, John C.
Specialist Jordan, Jeffrey W.
Specialist Griemel, Jarrett P.
Specialist Hernandez I, Roberto A.
Sergeant Obakrairur, Jasper K.
Staff Sergeant Hall, Jeffrey A.
Private 1st Class Ogden, Matthew D.
Private 1st Class Wilson, Matthew W.

Let's remember and honor this day those whose deaths are truly impacting